I couldn’t set it as a one pack, for reasons known to us all, its really a long process. I too desired it could never take too long to get, or rather achieve, but it has never been within my powers to decide. I know am this kind of a girl who sets her eyes on something and never rests until she gets it, but as long as what the subject here is worth the pain, struggle, and most importantly the time. I had set my whole self towards gaining happiness, what i desired most was the peace of mind that i was so assured could come with it. However, I made a mistake, and I know this i did but giving in to the facts has proved even harder than the main mission itself. I knew not how much good it could have done me if I ever thought of getting myself a confidant, I imagined of the betrayal I had experienced at the time i lost my first love and decided I was going to go it alone, the entire process, the pain and the hardships I went through, the many sleepless nights i went through, the precious tears I lost, the many days i had to spend in those hospital beds, the self I had to painlessly lose, I had to do it alone, in pursuit of happiness. I say this with pain, but at least not as much as could have been caused by the people I could have possibly chosen to trust. I rather had pain that came from me, than from the people I could have set my heart to love again, I rather had sorrow deep within me, but at least I could not lay blames again, I hated and still do hate this, I love it when the pain I have to endure through is self made, I always want to live a life of my own, a life without so many attachments to so many hearts, a life of sole and self governance, the life I always wanted to have. Mummy says this aint good for me, but I keep asking where she clearly draws the line, if ever a clear line can be drawn on this. She believes in affiliations, she believes in mentors and confidants, she hates a do it alone ATT (as she calls it) but at least she appreciates that is her, and not me. Maybe this shouldn’t be the case in a daughter-mother discussion, but am glad we both have very diverse personalities, sometimes I wish I had taken after her, her stress free life that gives the hope of seeing another day, the way she easily sails through difficulties that wear me down, the way she deals with very difficult people with little energy, yes I do love her for that, just that I can never be her. All said, i still remain to be me, the me that has to so painfully chase after happiness, the me that has to stand on her grounds no matter how much pain accompanies her, and the me that least often compromises on her ideologies. I know none may agree to this, but a change of my ideologies causes me much pain than the chase after happiness. I say this since it took me almost a lifetime to come up with and stick to what i believe in, it was a process, one that cost so much heartbreaks, pain, time, relations and so much to be achieved, and every time I get a call to change this my heart sinks into pain. I recall what it took me to gain this, I recall of the people I had to shake off to make the process complete, I remember the chances i lost of having a better future, it pains my heart because I only can tell the tale of the process, I went through the process alone, and I swore to myself to defend its results to the very end. Am at the end of the tunnel, and many are the times have found myself here. I sometimes want to sit back and watch things happen, but I always get a way through the wilderness. I consider this yet another time that have reached the end of the tunnel, never will I settle on turning back to where I was, not to the high density pain have ever gone through, not to me life of misery i dwelt in for so long, not to the days I could die to keep the relationship, I choose to set my eyes on higher things, I settle on a better life, I want to be happier than i am and more than I have ever been, i choose to continue with the race, the chase, the desire and the reality will soon dawn on me. IN PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!